I can never handle the relationship well with my ex, or exes, any of them. The only thing I did was to say all the bad words I was thinking during the break-up, telling him about everything I didn’t like in him but I did tolerate for our relationship, but he still managed breaking my heart blah blah blah. Then when all the mean words has been said, I would try to erase that guy from my life, delete his number, IM, anything, so to make sure I would not act on a sudden impulse someday and find him to say something stupid such as ‘I miss you’ after the official break-up. I was afraid of, and I still am, running into an ex without enough emotional preparation (or can this enough ever be achieved?).

It’s easy to avoid eye-contact, even any conversation, the difficult thing is to control the body movement. How can I make my facial expression normal when seeing this person appear? (I used to pretend tying my shoelace so I can bend down and hide my stunned face) How can I make sure my hands are not trembling? It was almost a default agreement that ex-lovers should pretend as nothing has ever happened between them when they show up together with other friends, but how can I act like I don’t feel hurt anymore when everything happening in my body is telling myself, that feeling still exists, the feeling of being hurt.

Tal said in Positive Psychology, it is OK to feel hurt because you are a human being. It is not that the positive person don’t feel hurt, it is that they allow themselves to feel bad for a while, and they get all right sooner. I always consider myself positive, but now seemingly I’m always the slower one to move on. Perhaps I’m not as positive as I used to think. I always indulge in sadness for a really long time after the break-up and can never settle for the ‘nice guy’ even the person appear when I’m in the most strong need of affection.

In this sense, however, I am a positive person that no matter what have happened, despite all the fear of hurt, I still believe in love and dare to love. Or perhaps it is not about move-on faster or slower, it is whether I still stick to what I want even if I am under pressure or in a compromised situation, I still would not give up on my dream, the dream that I will meet someone loves me just the way I am, and I would not ask him to change anything at all either.

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重温Sex and the City 的结果就是写出了这么一篇不知所云的东西，那四个人里我分明最不喜欢Carrie了啊啊啊